Building My Home
When I was little I believed “home” was a yellow house with white shutters where my mom, my dad, my brother, my sister, my dishlicker and I all lived. However, once my parents got divorced that definition of home no longer worked and as the years went on my definition started to change. Now I feel that “home” is a place where I feel love. I have many homes now, I have a home at my moms, my dads, my grandparents, my high school, my cousins, my best friends house and not to toot my own horn but two months ago I started building my own home. All the homes I have mentioned above have been made by others and welcomed me in, and now at BC I am building my own. As a new freshman this home I speak about is still very much under construction. Honestly, I was talking with the builder yesterday and we don’t know if this project will be completed in four short years. I am no HGTV fixer upper lady, but I am also not trying to build a big yellow house with white shutters. I just want a place where I feel loved and appreciated, and thank god you don’t need insulation or even a hard hat to build that kind of home.
Over the past two months I have been building this home. Meeting people left and right, seeing if they would be the right person to welcome in and be apart of my family. It has honestly been a big change for me. I have learned a lot and I think I have grown in many ways. Here are some of my updates with college, things I have learned, come to realize, and the emotions I have been feeling through it all.
People are polite. Like I can't tell you how highly I think of the people that hold the doors for others. I always try to hold the doors but I am talking about opening it for a lady and being like, “you go first”. Ugh, what stellar parents they have! Etiquette is huge, remind me that a top priority when raising my children is that they are extremely polite and pass every etiquette class with flying colors!! Even the other day in one of my classes, a boy asked if anyone else in the class needed their water bottle filled up. What a kind kid, I would put money on it that a boy like that is going places.
I have really been missing the yogi, earthy, and spiritual aspects of my life while at school. On campus there is a lack of people I have found that appreciate those kind of things. I love the farmers market, practicing yoga, looking at the moon and stars and really seeing the world through a lens of love. I love the depth and the rawness in people but it definitely seems like people hold back when it comes to being vulnerable. I am not sure if it’s just a being a new freshman thing or an overall energy present in all years but there is definitely a sense of perfection at BC. An overall desire to be the person that can excel academically, socially, athletically, spiritually, and beyond. I think this is a common desire around the world. We all want to be amazing, but the aspect of us that I believe is the most beautiful is the way we struggle and then achieve success. I have really been trying to do my best and accept that even if everyone around me is striving for perfection or seems perfect my imperfections are still beautiful, normal and enough.
I do not like snapchat. I don't understand why that has to be the way everyone communicates. I have also noticed there are a lot of games played with it like “he left me unopened” “I killed our streak” “check on snap maps see where she is” trying to infer what these silly subtle gestures mean. There is an added layer of stress that just does not need to be there! So call me an old soul but I do not like the direction we are headed with technology. I also don't mean to say I am anti Snapchat, it is great when you use it with your friends, but to send a picture of your face to a stranger and ask “How long did the reading take” just seems a little weird to me. You don't have to send me a letter in the mail but is it that old school to text or call?
The aspect of school that has been most challenging for me thus far is the concept of balance. Balancing academics, athletics, my social life, sleep, diabetes, and even this blog has been challenge for me. I want to do it all, I want to sleep 9 hours a night, get straight A’s, be the top athlete, have wonderful blood sugars, a near perfect A1C, be at every social event, see my family, and post on this blog weekly. However, for me at least, that is impossible. There is a give and a take. As David Allen says “You can do anything, but not everything.” I am trying to do a lot and by attempting to do it all some things will be prioritized over others and that has to suffice.
Being different is kind of exilerating. When I was in middle school all I wanted to do was be normal. I wanted the cool clothes, the same hair cut at Nina haha, the new iPhone (iPhones weren't in the hands of 10 year olds at the time). I wanted to fit in, be normal, be accepted, and be included. That’s what every middle schooler wants right? Ah, maybe it is different now…I am old! But I don’t think times have changed that much…at least not yet! Anyway, now I am finding it exhilarating and even fun to just be myself. I am quirky, silly, a little odd, deep, childish, spiritual, loud, colorful, raw, and unique. For so long I pushed those parts about me down and tried to hind them. I thought maybe I would be loved more if I was generic, normal, fit societies expectations, and appeared on the outside to be “perfect”. But the truth is, I have been feeling so much more love by just being myself. I want to be loved deeply rather than just widely, that is the big thing I have learned while at BC. There has been a couple of times where I really geeked in class or in the cafeteria and people have commented on how much they love my very unique laugh. I remember in 5th grade trying to “practice my new laugh” that I thought was going to be more accepted or more loved. I love other people quirks so much. Often it is my favorite part about a person. I don't know why it took me so long to realize that maybe others will genuinely like mine as much as I love theirs. Being loved only at the surfaced level is for people who’s beauty lies only at the surface level. Be the ocean, be beautiful at the surface level but also have odd and interesting creatures that make your depths even more important. One of the best parts of the ocean is the concept that it only gets more beautiful the more you explore. It is scary though. Sometimes you don’t know what else is in there. You could get hurt, step on a sharp rock, stung by a jellyfish, or eaten by a shark!! But more often than not, I find peace, my toes touch soft sand, I create a memories with my family, and my body relaxes and simply moves with the waves, effortlessly. It is more fulfilling to feel, taste, see, smell and hear the ocean than to simply view it from a far. That is the same with you, let people in, let them experience all you have going on below your surface. It is more beautiful in the depths, at least I think so.
There is more to discover, more people and ideas that need to be brought into my new home. I wonder what it will look like in the end. It is crazy to think that this is just the foundation. I will keep you updated and do my best to post more! If you want to see more content please give me some ideas about what you would most want to read. It seems the more I write on this blog the more I love having a blog and a place where people can discover my depths. If you have any ideas, suggestions, advice, or just some love to share, please connect with me I would absolutely love to hear from you!
Love Always,
Casey McNamara
