I Want A Boyfriend
“I want a boyfriend!” well, that’s what I would always say. The truth is I do! I want to fall in love, be cuddled, kissed, find my other half…who doesn’t? But what I meant when I used to tell my friends or my cousin Jess “I wanted a boyfriend” was actually that I wanted validation. I wanted validation that I was pretty enough, smart enough, funny enough, lovable and I thought having a boyfriend would give me all that reassurance. I just wanted to feel like I was enough to everyone else. But I truly struggled with how to feel enough to myself. When I would hangout with my friends, I would compare myself. Wishing I was a size smaller, that I got a higher score on the ACTs, that I was better at sports, better at talking to boys, that I could juggle more, that I was faster, more witty, prettier, that I was just better and more. I would wish that I could improve so I could catch up. Now, I did recognize so many good qualities and truly loved many parts of myself. But for so long I felt that I needed to be loved by others. How can I do more? How can I do better? How can I be enough? Well the answers to all of those questions are, I need to fall madly in love with to myself, and wow is that hard. How could I love my flaws? How could I appreciate myself? How could I find a boyfriend within myself? Well, I thought, “you don't find a boy and fall in love over night! First you go on dates!”
That’s it I thought! I am going to go on a date with myself. Last summer I went to the play Aladdin, by myself. It was amazing and it brought me back to the days when I was Aladdin in Aladdin, well one of the Aladdins...anyway, I had a wonderful time. Then, I went and got dessert at a restaurant all by myself. And I was so nervous. “Do you want a takeout menu?” the hostess asked me. “No, actually I was wondering if I could have a table for 1?”
“Oh yes of course.” She replied. So I sat there and I told myself “It would be rude to use your phone on a date with a boy so don't use your phone on your date with yourself.”
So I sat at my table with this journal and I wrote about how nervous I was. My waiter came over to me and asked if I was waiting for someone else. “No” I said. “I am just here by myself… I am trying to do things that scare me.”
“Wow” he said. “ I would never have the courage to do that.” He left and I continued to write. When he arrived again we had another short conversation and he kept coming back to chat with me while he had free time between waiting on other customers.
Then slowly as I became more comfortable, my thoughts on paper had changed from I am really scared to this is actually so peaceful. Eventually I finished my strawberries and cream and came to the conclusion that all great dates must come to an end!
“Could I have the check?” I asked my waiter.
“Don't worry about it, just come back again.” He said.
“No no I want to pay! This was such a great experience and I want to!”
“I'm not bringing you the check” he said and walked away. The total was only around $8 because I ended up just getting strawberries and cream. But I took out $20, wrote on it P.S. you should try to get a table for 1 , left it under the candle and walked away.
The whole walk home I had the biggest smile on my face. I loved my date with myself. Surprisingly, I liked myself even more after doing that. I got to know myself better. I liked how generous I was. How I was outgoing enough to make friends with the waiter. I loved that I could talk so easily with a stranger. I didn’t feel lonely, insecure, less than or not enough on the date with myself. I felt comfortable and content, and that is how you are suppose to feel on a date with your boyfriend right?
So I sit in front of you all today as a witness. I have witnessed myself beating up the person I am suppose to be madly in love with. I have witnessed God trying to defog my mirror. The truth is, when you step away from the scale, mirror, social media, grades, bank accounts, your comfort zone, and even the boy, you may come to find that true love, starts with yourself. You don’t fall in love with yourself right away. It takes many dates, many nights at your worst, and days at your best. It takes work and effort and it takes God. But I hope you fall in love with yourself. Madly in love. Once you do, then a boy, can only add a cherry on top of the sundae you eat while on a date with yourself!
This was my witness talk when I was a peer minister at Ursuline. I was chosen to share it with the younger girls to offer an alternative perspective and show that we all have internal battles that are sometimes not so apparent to the outside world. It was our opportunity to be real, vulnerable, and I believe, to inspire the younger girls to start opening up to one another sooner rather than later. Now, not everyone feels the same way as me in this regard but I knew that this story could be relatable, powerful and hopefully in some way help the underclassman at my high school. I hope that sharing this story on my blog will inspire you to go on a date with yourself, or challenge yourself in a way that leads you to personal growth. I also hope that this story galvanizes one of you to be more raw, real, and genuine with the world. Hitting publish for this blog post has definitely been the most intimidating of all the ones I have published. This is me. My true feelings and thoughts. As a freshman in high school I would have tried to avoid sharing this kind of a story at all costs. I wanted everyone to think I was thriving and full of happiness, even if I wasn't. But after many dates with myself, nights at my worst, and days at my best, I have decided that the Casey I love the most is the one who is real, sincere, and wears her heart on her sleeve, and hopefully my future boyfriend loves those aspects as much as I do!
As always, please reach out if you have any comments, questions, advice, or love to share, I love hearing from you guys!
Love Always,
Casey
