Notice the Fruit Flies.
Do you want to leave soon?
No, I want enough time to be in love with everything…
And I cry because everything is so beautiful and so short.
—Marina Keegan, from the poem “Bygones”
Slow, slower, slower, even more, be still. I killed my sour dough starter. The poor thing was starved to death, slowly of course. I forgot to feed it, again and again. The funeral will be in October 2026, we’re booked every weekend until then. I think the right word is longing. I am longing for more time. Time to write, to kiss, to play, to think, and just to breathe. At my new job I am learning what day trading really means, how volatile the market is, and how quickly things change. Applying to a New York City apartment needs to be done within minutes of seeing it, they need us to sign the lease right now! I didn’t even have enough time to say a prayer. Please God, help me slow down, be intuitive, make the right decisions and to choose this life I am living wisely. Also, if you can God, please find us a place that feels like home with lots of natural light and places for all of our books. Make it a home where we come together on the couches in the morning to talk about our nights out and the boys we met. Make laughter abundant and the love we have for one another deeper than we ever could have imagined going into this.
Any new prospects? No. I mean how do people move on so quickly? I literally still have his toothbrush in my bathroom, it hasn’t even been two weeks since we ended things. He was the first boy since moving to New York I felt like I could be myself with, slow down with, let go with, dare I say just be with. I fumbled. I feel like a failure, not being able to juggle all of this. I miss the guy, I want to stay in my apartment, WeWork has some of the best people. I want that again. I’m not complaining, it’s all good, great even. Change is inevitable, but it is all just so fast. I can’t remember the last flower I saw attached to the ground. And we jump around from Reservoir to Bayards to Kettle of Fish to Wolfie and Nell, all before I can even finish my Guiness’s, hence the straw. I want to be someone who walks slowly and tastes her coffee. What does it sound like to pay attention to all of this? Remind me again what it feels like to kiss just to kiss. Have I impressed you yet? Am I doing enough? Look at all I can juggle! Did you see how I just rallied, despite being absolutely exhausted from it all? There are 24 hours in the day, for all of us, and yet time only flies for the ones who never look up.
Mundane, ordinary, simple things. I like that this last guy was a slow walker and got lost in time playing the piano. Everytime we went out to eat, he would take the condensation from the water glass and cool down his cheeks with it while quoting Bushisms. And he took pictures of me, not at my best, but when I was just being, I love that he did that. Now watch this drive. Lava lamps and Pinkberry, I was always too impatient to see the lava move and too in a rush to stop on West 13th and 6th ave. But with you, I slowed down. Thank you for helping me learn how to catch my breath. I hope it works out between you and her, truly. I was in love with my ex for a long time too, until I met you actually. Bummer you never got to see the windows in my new apartment, you would have loved them. Spicy food, the spiciest. Maybe in a few months I’ll get a text. What’s up little bro? Take a sick day. I know how to spell Antartica now. I was really happy and content next to you. Special to me. Checkmate. Auf Wiedersehen.
There will never be time for all music. And if I had to guess, two of my best friends are going to say “I do” on the same day in two different parts of the country. Some day, not too far from now, I will want a glass of wine, or two, maybe even three, but the liquor store will be an eight and a half minute drive and I will have already put on my pajamas. In those moments, I will miss the days where I could run downstairs in whatever loungewear and pick up all the wine and cheese I wanted. One day, I will fall asleep next to the love of my life listening to crickets rubbing their wings together and wondering how in the world I was able to fall asleep listening to all these horns and sirens. I will miss being able to walk from one best friend's apartment to another in a given half hour and I will reminisce on just how fast being twenty five in New York City really goes.
Love Always,
Casey
