My Second Semester of College Reflection
“The irony is that what most people are trying to imitate is authenticity” - Maryam Hasnaa
As second semester is rolling around people are starting to settle in and reflect. At least I am. Recently, I have been asking myself a lot of reflective questions. Trying to de fog my mirror a little and become more aligned. My thoughts and questions have mostly been about people in my life and my own feelings. Are my friends kind and loving people? Do they make me feel comfortable, supported, valued? Am I doing what I love? Am I happy? What makes me happy? Fulfilled? Purposeful? What feeds my soul? When do I feel the most loved and supported? When do I feel the most insecure?
People often talk about the freshman 15 in terms of what one might eat or drink and how it may lead to gaining body weight. But there is also unnecessary weight that can be added to your soul, heart, and energy by putting your energy and time into things and people that do not serve you. The purpose of this blog post is two things. First is to be authentic, vulnerable, and honest and my other hope for this post is to help guide you to maybe think or reflect on your past experience, whether it be your past semester of college, the past year, the past quarter of high school, or simply the past couple of days. Know that sometimes the answers to these questions take a lot of thinking and reflecting. And often they are not just “yes” or “no” answers.
At the beginning of this post I have put a quote by Maryam Hasnaa that expresses so simply and beautifully so many of the feelings I have and things I am trying to express. It is never easy to be vulnerable and open. But through my experience of doing this in the past, only love and connection has come from sharing. Please read these next few paragraphs with an open heart. If you find yourself relating to some of the things I have spoken about, know that you are not alone and many other people have expressed to me similar thoughts and feelings. I hope these questions lead you to a better understanding and alignment in your life.
Are my friends from college kind and loving people?
For the most part they really are. I have a few people that I think are kind at their core, but do or say borderline mean things out of insecurity. I don’t blame them. They deflect their insecurities onto others. I’ve done that too, but when I have done that I never leave feeling better about myself. Often, I feel worse. The brightest candles light other people’s wicks, minimizing the oxygen just dulls everyone’s flame, especially your own. That was pretty good yeah? You can quote me. Oh and another thing. You know what is easy to do. Not say hi, look down, pretend you don’t know someone or see someone in passing. You know what requires much more strength, courage and kindness? Saying hi, going out of your way to acknowledge someones presence. I actually don’t care who you are, you are not too cool. If you are really as cool as you think you are, then you should have all the courage and confidence to put yourself out there and acknowledge someone. Don’t do the “BC look away” you’re better than that, we all are.
Do they make me feel comfortable, supported, valued?
Feeling comfortable, supported, and valued is huge. You should never be with your “friends” and feel worse about yourself than you did when you weren’t with them. Regardless if it is their intentions or not, that isn’t a friend or even a relationship worth your energy. I have a so many supportive and loving friends who make serious efforts to make it known to me that I am valued in their eyes. And then I have some that don’t. Why do we put our energy and time into relationships that are one sided. Do you know the saying “you can’t pour from an empty glass.” Well you can’t. The relationship I have with some of my best friends can create water. They don’t need to pour and deplete their cup to make me feel better than vice versa, rather just by being in each others company we leave more full than we came. If you feel like you have to put all the effort in to make any plans happen step back and ask yourself. Are they not reaching out to me because they are in a position that is limiting their ability to vulnerable? If the answer is yes, keep them around, and please support them with love. Especially if you are in college, it can be so hard to feel stable and secure. Know that sometimes people don’t reach out or reciprocate efforts not because they don’t can’t but rather because they are trying to balance on a three legged chair. But if they just take you for granted and don’t care. Spend your energy on more important things. Stop watering a dead plant. Instead, plant new seeds. It can be intimidating and scary but at least you’ll have a fresh start at new produce rather than your dead plant. Plus, so many people are also looking for new friends, but sometimes they are too afraid to start gardening on their own, share your seeds, water them, love them, and watch them blossom.
Am I doing what I love?
I never understand the people who take Calculus even though they hate math and are history majors. Sometimes I swear people make themselves miserable so they can tell others they are miserable. PSA, I do not think you are a harder worker, a more intelligent individual, or even a fun energy to be around just because you aren’t enjoying the food you picked to be on your plate. Actually, it is such a turn off in terms of the energy I am seeking, and I think most people would agree. I love all my classes this semester. I am taking an agricultural class that literally makes me giddy. A Social media class, oh I like social media if you didn't know… I am also taking Prespectives which is my year long Theology and Philosophy core. I love my professor he is so so hard but I have never thought so deeply and been so challenged by an academic course. I am also taking Economics, my professor is such a light and I am interested in business and money so hopefully this will give me a taste of that. Finally, I am taking a class that brings in professionals who have years of successful experience to talk to us honestly and give the students in the class the best advice for the professional world. I really am excited to go to the classes, read the material, and learn. The beautiful thing about college is you are given the opportunity to choose your classes and follow your interests.
Outside the classroom am I doing what I love?
Well I love my blog. I love being apart of the rowing team. I love seeing my friends and going out or staying in with them on the weekends. I love dancing in my room with my roommate. I love laughing, I want to do more of that this semester, I am seriously on the hunt for comedians. I love eating well and learning about food. I am hoping to do more with the Real Food club here at BC. I love going on walks and having deep conversations, I need to find more people who like to slow down and have reflective talks. I love being around my family so I am really lucky I live close by. I love being with children, they help me see magic and escape adulthood for a little, I am looking to spend more time with them this semester and beyond. I recently have been loving wearing cute outfits. I like to stand out, and I definitely have some pieces that do. So yes, I am doing what I love. Life’s to short to be stressed and miserable, and yet people choose that way of life everyday.
Am I happy?
You know I really am. I get sad and lonely sometimes but overall I am overjoyed with the abundance of love and energy in my life. My life is not perfect in any way but I believe happiness is very much a choice and I definitely do a good job of choosing it in most situations. One thing I told one of my friends the other day is I feel very loved here at school. At the beginning of the school year I thought long and hard about who I wanted to be. I wanted to be authentically loved so I recognized that I had to be authentically myself. Sometimes I think I can put my normal pants on and be very generic and “normal”. When I do that I am more widely accepted, but I am also loved at the surface level. In my experience, when I choose to be me, wear what I like, say what I feel without hesitation, and dance to my own beat, I find people who automatically, wholesomely, and genuinely love me. I have done the whole fitting in thing. It is nice to be loved widely, but it does not compare to being loved deeply.
What makes me happy? Fulfilled? Purposeful?
Honestly, one of the biggest things is when people email me, DM me, text me, or tell me in person that they loved my blog post. That they “cried reading it” that they “related to it” that “it helped them”. My parents read my blog and even though I can be a real challenge, they have all told me that they are so proud of my advice and thoughts. I can’t take all the credit either. Many of the things I write about or attitudes and perspectives I emphasize on here are from the teachings of my parents and role models. It makes me happy that I can be the person to others that my parents, role models, and mentors have been for me. What makes me happier than anything in the world is the ability to love and be loved.
What feeds my soul?
Easy. Positive energy, love, and laughter.
When do I feel the most loved and supported?
When I am comfortable and getting positive affirmation for being my most authentic self. I think it is important to seek people who can provide me with this but also being able to strengthen my ability to not need others to do this and find love and support completely from within. That is hard though, but not impossible.
When do I feel the most insecure?
I think when I am surrounded by people who are also insecure. I am very much someone who is sensitive to the energy, emotions, and thoughts of others. If someone I am close with is being negative about themselves I tend to act similarly twards myself. I am most confident around confident people and most insecure around insecure people. I also tend to be more insecure and unfulfilled when I only connect with others through social media. I haven’t opened or sent snapchats in over 3 1/2 weeks and I have only felt more connected to my friends through this little exercise. It wasn’t even intentional, but if someone would like to communicate with me they can text me. Snapchat does not serve me. I also sometimes feel insecure around people who don’t understand what I am talking about in terms of love and energy. As Maryam Hasnaa said “Remember, people love at their level of consciousness.” Sometimes I need to remind myself that just because I don’t feel heard, understood, valued, or loved by someones doesn’t mean I can’t be hearable, understandable, valuable, or lovable. It simply means the person I am communicating with has not reached the same level of consciousness or awakening that I have. I am most insecure when I internalize thoughts and feelings that are not mine and are unrelated to me.
After writing these answers down and understanding my thoughts and feelings better the path ahead seems more clear to me. I hope you find similar results by asking yourself these questions. You are so lovely and beautiful, hopefully answering these questions and finding what your soul needs more of and where your energy should go will help you become more aligned with your true calling. The light in me, honors and thanks the light in all of you! Thanks so much for reading and as always, you can contact me with any questions, comments, or love!
Love Always,
Casey
